It is almost breathtaking that today is exactly one year from the day God threw a lightening bolt at me. A head on collision on my Mother's birthday, that should have killed me but miraculously it didn't.
Looking back, that moment was a very important one; such as looking upon my hand at all the lines that join together and then go their separate paths, this too was such a crossroads for my journey.
Losing both of my parents have changed or rather twisted who I was, hiding my real self in delusions and illusions to protect my heart from being ripped out once again. I became an image with no soul. Tossing out my loves and likes and replacing them with material items became what felt right. This way no one could get close or truly know me. Sadly, I accepted this; until that day the car crossed the yellow line hitting me head on at over sixty miles an hour.
I remember laughing out loud at the song that was playing as the airbags deployed and my car was thrown into a 360 spin... Nickelbacks " If today was your last day" Ironic, tragic, and a wake up call from above.
The State Patrol and Local Police couldn't believe that I wasn't seriously hurt or dead, and to their surprise I was walking around. It was then that I realized it was my deceased mother's birthday.
To this day I truly believe I was saved, but at the same time warned to change. It was with that moment I began a new journey one of the hardest and most hurtful ones ever. Deconstructing me.
With the tragic losses of my parents, I was without a foundation. A journey that had no past but needed to understand those unanswered questions of who I am and why am I here. Very intense questions that may never be answered... but I will keep searching until I understand.
Along the way I've met many new faces; some have been blessings, others have become roadblocks in my path. Sorting each out has been something very new for me. Never one that has ever had conflict, a always "whatever you want/need" rather than "Is this something I want or need". Not saying that I've become completely self absorbed, but more self aware of why I'm doing things and importantly for the right reasons. It's the only way to truly finding "true" friends.
"True" friends have become my family. My new foundation for life and for understanding. With this new idealism and foundation comes a new moment and a new year.
The new year of 2010, I will be revealing some very pronounced changes in my journey. For the start a new website chronicling my journey, with a spot solely for understanding the aspects of grief, comfort, and void that comes from the loss of my parents. In this website my photographs, music, and writings will encompass the true ideals and thoughts of "me". A few other items will be revealed at a later date. :-)
I will move to the next moment, with grace, honesty, and loyalty in hopes of living and breathing that next moment in this lifetime.
