In the last weeks of my mother's life people from all around came to her house and delivered baked goods and alcohol. From homemade doughnuts, cakes, pastries, cookies, and bars to bottles of Whiskey came from all around. Two weeks after my mother's death it suddenly stopped.
The calls, emails, and drop ins also stopped. It was like having the carpet yanked out from under you, going from a vast support group to losing everything in a blink of an eye. Alone sitting in her house one night, I starred blankly at a picture of what was once my family. A Father, Mother and their children, all smiling not knowing the tragedy that was to become of their lives.
I needed someone or rather many to comfort me, not for everyone to walk away and leave me. Friends that I'd known for years walked away, didn't call or email even if I initiated the communication. I mean really who wants to chat with someone who lost his parents... what happens if they accidentally say oh and mom brought me this. Family left slowly because they had put in their time to save face, and truly had their own family to be with.
Death and Grief impact a family to an extent that breaks the foundation of blood and unravels those binds until the family is no more.
As time passed I created a facade of comfort, I threw my emotions into a lockbox, my feelings into an abandoned well, and my soul hidden. It was the only way that I understood how to deal with the grief and to even have friends that would chat with me.
And this is where I am understanding the concepts that I've created to define comfort.
Real Comfort: Is everlasting.
A simple phone call out of the blue asking... so how are you doing? A hug that appears from out of no where, with the simple words of I'm here. Or even a quick stop to say hey I was in town..
It's the unthinkable aspects that make up real comfort from the outside world. Yes I am comforted by sipping my tea looking at the Christmas Tree and remembering falling asleep on the golden couch before dinner - watching the twinkling lights and smelling my mother's cooking. Or simply picking up my saxophone and playing it like it was yesterday I was on stage infront of hundreds. That is what real comfort is. Knowing you belong and that people out there think of you now and then... and let you know it.
Facaded Comfort: Comes and leaves forever.
This is the pre death and after death aspect of comfort. The uneasy "I don't know what to do" or "I don't know what to say" slogans. And this is in no way me slamming it- it serves it's purpose for those who do not want to get involved and does help those who are hurting. It has it's place in Grief. This is the unemotional way of comfort. Not to get involved or to close. You do your part, you feel good about helping in a materialistic way and then you leave.
Sadly both friends and family in times of tragic death resolve to the Facaded comfort, once sorted out you understand it. You accept it. And then you figure out those who are with you forever, and others who can't for their own reasons. It is neither good or bad it's how people deal with tragedy as well uncomfortable situations.
In history it was said... Are you with me till the end? And it's as simple as that.
